


trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

by bellowbacks



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Active Duty Natasha, Active Duty Steve, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Service Dogs, Yankee Candle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 08:39:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14540922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellowbacks/pseuds/bellowbacks
Summary: Or: the Yankee Candle AU.Bucky works at a Yankee Candle in a strip mall that Steve finds himself coming back to more than is necessary.





	trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> thank you caroline for this idea and thank you to everyone who read this before i posted it!!
> 
> title from harry styles' two ghosts which is my favorite steve/bucky song right now !! this is also the longest single piece of fanfiction i think i've ever written and im glad it went to these two losers
> 
> as always, im on twitter @peachfutch

Bucky woke up with a crick in his neck and a dog in his face. 

“Hey, buddy, hey Soba,” Bucky mumbled into the golden retriever’s soft ear. “Is it time to go out?” he asked. Soba made a low noise in her chest and licked his cheek, jumping up and down.

Bucky smiled slightly as he climbed out of bed to take Soba out to the back of his apartment complex. He had fallen asleep in sweats and a t-shirt, so all he had to do was slip into a pair of flip flops he kept by the door and grab Soba’s leash from the hook next to his keys. 

He clipped the leash into Soba’s collar and grabbed the lanyard his keys hung on. She pawed at the door and made more whining noises while Bucky got ready, and then he let her out into the hallway to take the elevator to the main floor. 

“Hey Bucky,” one of his neighbors called. Bucky lifted a hand in greeting; his right one. Not only did he hate bringing attention to his left, he also used it to hold Soba’s leash more often than not as it was stronger than his right. He walked out to the grassy area behind the complex, unclipping Soba’s leash as soon as they were out there and he had made sure the gate was closed.

It wasn’t likely that she’d run, as she was a trained support animal, but he still worried. Bucky didn’t know who he’d be without Soba. 

She did her business quickly and then did a lap of the grass, sniffing around. “You ready to go inside?” Bucky asked her after a few minutes. Soba came bounding back over to him and snuffled at his palm. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll give you a treat once we’re upstairs,” Bucky said, reclipped her leash to her collar, and headed back upstairs. 

Once they were back in the apartment, Bucky put her leash away and kicked off his flip flops. He heard his phone ringing back where it was charging on his bed, so he crossed the rectangular room quickly to look at the screen. Sam was calling. 

“Hey,” he answered as he sat back down on the edge of his bed. 

“You coming into work today or what?” Sam asked. He sounded annoyed but not mad in that way that Sam sort of always did. 

Bucky frowned. “I didn’t think I was scheduled for today,” he said. He held his phone between his shoulder and his ear as he scrambled to grab his notebook from his bag. He flipped to where he had written down his schedule for this week and sure enough, his shift started ten minutes ago. “Shit, Sam, I’m sorry,” he said and threw his notebook down. He scrambled to dig a clean pair of dark jeans and a shirt out of his dresser. “I’ll be in as quick as I can.”

“You better be,” Sam sighed. “See you then.” He hung up. Bucky tossed his phone down onto the bed and changed as fast as possible, almost falling when his sweatpants tangled around his ankles. As soon as he was dressed he went into the small bathroom and brushed his teeth and hair, pulling the latter back into a bun. He splashed some water on his face and made sure he was presentable and professional for work, and then, after deciding this was the best he was going to get, put on his work shoes and stuck his notebook and phone in his bag. Time to go. 

He grabbed his jacket, keys, and helmet and then petted Soba on the way out. “Be good,” he said and quickly dug two treats out of the container he kept by the door. “Good girl.” Bucky slung his bag over his shoulder and speed walked to the elevator to the garage where his motorcycle was. He clicked his helmet on and hopped on, starting her up and trying to get to work as quickly as possible. 

Bucky may have pulled some semi-daring motorcycle maneuvers, but he got there quicker than he would have on a typical day, and it normally took less than ten minutes to get there. He parked out back of the strip mall where he worked and jogged around the buildings to where the store stood. 

As he entered the completely empty Yankee Candle, Sam Wilson stood behind the check out desk with his arms folded. 

“I’m sorry, I think I thought this shift was tomorrow,” Bucky apologized as he stuck his stuff in the empty cupboard behind check out and tied his red apron around his neck. 

Sam gave him a tired look and then softened. “It’s alright Buck, this is the first time,” he said and slapped Bucky on the back. “It’s just getting close to December, and you know what that means.”

“An overabundance of grandmas and people shopping for grandmas, gotcha,” Bucky snorted. “Anything I need to do?” he asked. 

Sam looked at him, his eyebrows raised slightly. “Does it look like it?” he asked, and Bucky laughed.

“You got me. I’ll go… organize, or something,” Bucky said. Sam nodded and checked his phone. He seemed exhausted with dark circles smudged under his eyes. Bucky knew that this was normal, but he still cared about Sam. 

Bucky went to the front of the store and checked in on the vast arrays of colorful candles set up, all the Christmas and holiday scents taking front and center. Bucky was kind of over the Christmas cheer already, plus he was Jewish anyways, but he needed to stay chipper so that the folks buying candles would be caught up in the cheery atmosphere they were trying to create. 

After a half hour or so of organization and peaceful sorting, Sam called Bucky back to the check out desk. “Hey, I have to go home,” he said quietly so as not to disturb the one woman wandering around the store. 

Bucky frowned. “What’s up? Is everything okay?” he asked. 

Sam shrugged. “Riley is hurtin’,” he sighed. “You know.”

“Yeah, I know. Go make sure he’s okay,” Bucky said, “I’ll take over. Lorraine is coming in in a few, right?”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded, wringing his fingers. He grabbed his keys. “Thank you, Bucky. I owe you one.”

“Forgetting I was late this morning is all it’ll cost you,” Bucky shrugged with a half smile. Sam smiled as well, though his was a tired, stressed fragment of one He held his hand out to Bucky, who shook it.

“Deal,” Sam said. “Now sell some candles.”

Bucky grinned, and then sunk back into seriousness. “Hey, let me know if he’s doing alright, okay?” he asked. Sam nodded.

“As always,” he said. He waved as he pulled his coat on and grabbed the rest of his things before heading out. Bucky watched him go and then settled in at the check out desk. 

The woman who was here was doing her second lap, so Bucky checked his phone quickly. There was nothing besides a few emails, so he tucked it back away and got out his notebook. Writing or drawing while on the job wasn’t technically allowed, but Sam always let him and it wasn’t like they were busy. 

He had written half a page in scrawling pen before the woman was ready to check out. He set his notebook aside and put on his friendly customer service face, angling his body so that his silvery left hand was barely visible peering out from the edge of his long sleeved grey shirt. 

“Find everything you needed today?” he asked with a smile as she set two jar candles on the counter.

“Yes, thank you,” the woman said as she fumbled with her wallet to get her card out. Bucky rang up the two candles quickly. 

“Are these a gift? We’ll wrap them up for you for an extra three bucks and all of the proceeds go to charity,” Bucky said, reciting the line that was written on a sticky note stuck to the bottom of the computer monitor. 

The women shook her head. “No thanks,” she said and swiped her card. Bucky finished up the transaction and said the goodbyes and the have a good days as she left, and then the store was empty again. 

Not for long, though. After just a minute of quiet Christmas music playing, the bell over the door rang again and a man walked in. He was almost too tall for the door with short cropped blonde hair and a clean-shaven face. He was in a full uniform of Army green and was holding a grande coffee from the Starbucks next door that seemed tiny in his hands.

Bucky hesitated for a moment too long before managing to find his voice. “Welcome to Yankee Candle, can I help you with finding anything?” Bucky said, pulling up a smile. 

The man stepped closer, the dull thud of his boots bringing back surges of memories that Bucky would rather forget. 

“Uh, my roommate told me to buy a candle or two because my part of the apartment smells, I guess,” the man said, laughing quietly. The nameplate on his chest said Rogers, and his rank said captain. Impressive; he seemed pretty young. Maybe about Bucky’s age, if not a little older. 

Bucky swallowed the surge of attraction and plastered back on his customer service face. “Yeah, it happens,” he joked, “What sort of scents do you think that you’d want?”

The man, Captain Rogers, glanced around. “Nature-y scents? Maybe? Like, manly stuff,” he said and rubbed the back of his neck. Bucky frowned slightly for a split second. Of course, he’s one of those big buff toxic masculinity men. Why is he surprised. 

“Well, one of our favored scents around this time is the orange and evergreen,” Bucky said and ducked out from behind the counter. He was a few inches shorter than Rogers, he noticed as they got closer. He picked up the dark green candle and took the top off of it with a satisfying pop. “Here,” he said and offered it to Rogers, who instead of taking it in his hands just leaned down and smelled it. 

“I like that one,” he said with a smile. When he was standing tall again his eyes flicked to the candle and then immediately to Bucky’s arm. His lips parted slightly like he was going to say something and Bucky watched him close them again, soft and pink and slightly wet from Rogers’ nervous tongue. They were good lips. 

Bucky cleared his throat. “Er, we have some more in similar scents,” he said and cradled the candle in the crook of his left elbow as he walked to the side of the store to pick up another. “Here we have the ‘manly’ scents.” Bucky did air quotes with his free hand. Rogers smiled at that and moved closer, once again leaning down to smell the candle after Bucky pulled the top off. 

“Mmm, I think I prefer the evergreen and… What was it, orange?” he asked, gesturing to the one Bucky still held. “It smells fresher.” Bucky nodded and recapped the second one he had picked up. Rogers was very close to him, and as he turned to hand him the candle, Bucky’s arm brushed his. 

“Sorry,” he said quickly and stepped away and back towards the checkout counter. “Let me know if you need anything else,” he said as he forced himself to switch back to his retail persona. There’s no time for fleeting crushes on big, muscular men with good jawlines and laugh crinkles next to their eyes when you have to sell candles. 

The man smiled at Bucky. His eyes were blue and Bucky felt himself being pulled back into their crystal waves. “I sure will,” he said and gave a small mock salute as he went to look back at the Christmas candles. Bucky pinched himself with his prosthetic. 

\--------

“Alright, here you go,” Steve said when he got into Nat’s car. “Two candles to help spruce up the place. Ha, funny, because they’re evergreen scented.” He buckled his seatbelt and Nat gave him a look. 

“You’re in a good mood,” she said. Steve shrugged. 

“I have a case of the Christmas cheer,” he said and sipped his peppermint mocha. 

Nat just gave him a look and started the drive back to their apartment on base. She was playing music that Steve didn’t care for but also didn’t hate and he found himself staring out the window and thinking about the man at the Yankee Candle. His prosthetic was stuck in Steve’s head right alongside the old timey Christmas music that had been playing nonstop. 

“Hey, have you ever seen a prosthetic so realistic it just looks like a regular arm?” Steve asked Nat, who glanced at him. They were waiting in the short line to get on base and Nat had her hand with her military ID hanging out the window. 

“Like in Star Wars?” she asked and then pulled forward a car length. 

Steve frowned and thought that over. “I mean, sort of, yeah,” he said and shrugged his shoulders. “There was a guy in the Yankee Candle with a prosthetic that was, like, silvery and metallic, but it seemed so real,” he said. “I haven’t ever seen anything that advanced.”

Nat laughed, but couldn’t explain herself, as they had to show their IDs. Once they were on base, Nat said, “That’s one of Stark’s new inventions. You know, the same guy who made you all beefy?” 

“I resent that, I coulda been beefy before Rebirth,” Steve said and shook his head. A small smile was playing at his lips. 

Nat gave him a look that he interpreted as an eye roll, even without her moving her eyes at all. Truly a master of deception. “Sure, Steve. Sure,” she said and then kept driving. “Anyways, those Stark prosthetics are millions of dollars, so it isn’t likely that that’s what he had,” she said with a shrug. 

Steve nodded and took it at that. It didn’t matter anyways, he probably wasn’t ever going to see him again. That didn’t stop his image from lingering in Steve’s memory, all dark hair and mysterious eyes. Steve rubbed at his jaw as he remembered the man’s stubble. He had been wearing a name tag, but Steve couldn’t for the life of him remember what his name was. He sighed and looked out the window until they were at the base apartments. 

“Hey, can you change Zhir’s litter box tonight?” Nat asked as she checked her phone while they walked up to their place. “I just got an email that I need to go in tonight.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, sure,” he said. 

As soon as they were back in their apartment, Steve was splitting off to go back to his room. It was barely separate from the rest of the apartment, but he had beat Nat for it, so sleeping there still felt like a victory. He checked his phone as well; he had an email from Dr. Erskine saying that he had an appointment tomorrow, which made him sigh. It felt like his whole life was doctor’s appointments lately. He also had a text from Rhodey about some movie he was watching, which Steve replied to with an emoji and then ignored. 

He felt distracted, which wasn’t right. He was supposed to be able to focus himself in to one thing or another now after the serum, but his mind kept being pulled back to that Yankee Candle.

The man’s messy bun and dark grey shirt showing off his blue eyes and light stubble, his hand shining from the edge of his sleeves, his smile… Steve knew he was probably just being friendly. It was his job, after all, but it had felt… Genuine, between the two of them, at least for a moment. 

Steve spent the rest of the week trying to come up with an excuse to go back to the Yankee Candle. The scent of evergreen and orange followed him even at work as he started to burn his candles, reminding him of the man from the store who had smiled at him and teased him for wanting manly candles, or at least feeling like he had to. 

By Saturday, Steve felt like he was going to explode. He had dreamt about this man four times, driven past the Yankee Candle once, and guilty jerked off to his image twice. So, in order to avoid more of this Not Pining, he decided to just go. He didn’t come up with an excuse before he got in the car with his wallet and phone and drove along the slightly out of the way route to the strip mall. 

He got Starbucks first. He ordered the same Christmas drink he had last time, but this time a venti. He knew this would’ve killed him a year ago; he would’ve been bouncing off the walls and shaking so hard he could barely walk. Now, however, it just made him feel a little more awake. The barista had her blonde hair pulled up in a curly ponytail and Steve smiled at her as she called his name. 

“Thanks… Uh, Sharon,” he said, glancing at her nametag before grabbing the drink and heading out of the cafe. He stood between the Starbucks and the Yankee Candle for a few seconds, taking a deep breath and hyping himself up, and then he entered. 

The place was still stocked floor to ceiling with Christmas candles, which Steve appreciated. His eyes darted across the store until he spied somebody in a red apron kneeling down next to a shelf of red candles. He saw the silver arm before he noticed anything else, and he let out a breath. 

“Hi! Can I help you find anything?” a man said from behind him. Steve jumped and turned around, his hands intuitively balling themselves into fists. As soon as he realized that it was another Yankee Candle employee, this one with dark skin and short hair and a name tag that said “Sam”, he dropped his hands and stuck them in his pockets, adopting an easy smile. 

“Ha, sorry about that,” he said and shrugged a little. “I’m jumpy. And I, uh, I think I’m good, thanks though,” he said. The man smiled back.

“It’s all good, I’m ex Air Force. Just let me know if you need anything,” he said with a smile and walked around Steve to the checkout counter. Steve exhaled and turned back around. The man from the other day wasn’t kneeling anymore; now he was making eye contact with the other employee and obviously trying to communicate something. Steve frowned slightly and turned to look at the candles right next to him. 

They were all pink and orange and fruity, so he wrinkled his nose and started wandering the perimeter of the small store. He wasn’t reading or understanding the labels of any of the candles he passed, instead his mind was completely occupied with trying to figure out what to say to the beautiful man with the long hair and million dollar arm. 

He eventually stopped in front of the “manly” candles he had been shown last time and actually took the time to smell them this time. There was one called “First Down” and he frowned. What could that possibly smell like? He picked it up and took the cap off, smelling it briefly. He remembered how he had brushed against the man’s shoulder and didn’t absorb anything about the candle’s scent before recapping it and setting it down. 

Suddenly, the bell attached to the door rang a few times. Steve glanced behind him and about eight people had just walked in. Yankee Candle Employee Sam swooped in to talk to them and Steve took it as his chance to talk to the man he had been fantasizing about for days. Or at least find out his name. 

“Fancy seeing you here again,” the man’s voice said behind Steve. He turned and adopted what he hoped was an easy smile when he felt all but easy.

“Yeah, I, uh, I realized I never got my ma a present,” he said, suddenly feeling bold, “and I remembered a helpful employee here who I knew would be able to fix it.” He raised one eyebrow at… Steve looked down at the name tag. It looked like it originally said “James”, but it was crossed out with sharpie and written under it was “Bucky” in cute, messy handwriting. Bucky. That must be a nickname. Maybe a callsign, Steve thought briefly. He was missing an arm, veteran status was likely. 

Bucky smiled widely at Steve. “Yeah? What’s your mom like?” he asked, already looking past Steve to scan the shelves of the store. 

Steve thought for a moment. “Uh, she’s good. She’s really nice, she likes sweet things but not super sweet, so I don’t know if there’s some sort of neutral but still sort of fruity or something scent,” he said, chewing on his lip as he felt himself rambling on. Bucky seemed to understand though, because he was scooting past Steve and walking over to one section of the store. Steve felt his neck flush red as Bucky’s hip touched his own, but he took a breath and followed him. 

“Here, smell this,” Bucky said and held up a candle. He had a pleased little smile on his face, full of pride and a little something else. Steve leaned down and smelled it without breaking eye contact. Bucky’s smile dropped a little and his face quickly turned into something else. Steve stood back up straight. 

“I think she’d like that,” he said quietly. He and Bucky were right behind a huge display full of candles, and Bucky didn’t stop looking at him. 

That is, until Sam led a group of three women back past them, talking about the best scents for children. Steve tore his eyes away from Bucky’s and looked over at Sam. Bucky recapped the candle. 

“I think I’ll get this one,” Steve said softly and took the candle out of Bucky’s hands. His fingers brushed up against Bucky’s, both flesh and metal, and he smiled again before walking over to the checkout counter. He couldn’t be imagining this now, he was sure of it.

“Alright,” Bucky said quickly. His voice had flipped back to the customer service voice Steve knew so well and his face was blank. He rung up the candle without speaking again. Steve frowned. 

“Bucky, huh? That a nickname?” he asked. He leaned against the counter. Steve knew how to flirt, even if Nat thought the idea completely impossible. 

Bucky didn’t look up from where he was wrapping the candle in tissue and packing it into a bag as he spoke. “Yeah, I’ve always gone by it,” he said quickly. Steve felt his chest caving in as Bucky tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. He slid the receipt and Steve’s card across the counter and Steve accepted them wordlessly. 

“Thank you, Bucky,” Steve said softly as he took the bag and tucked his wallet away. 

Bucky was silent but gave him a small smile and a wave as he walked away. Steve sipped his peppermint mocha and scratched at the back of his head as he walked out to the car. He couldn’t stop replaying Bucky’s proud smile and soft hands touching his own in his head, over and over, for the whole drive home.

\--------

“He’s so fucking hot,” Bucky groaned. It was 7:53 and they closed at 8, so the store was absolutely abandoned. “Sam, did you even see him?” he said and ran his fingers through his loose hair again. 

Sam gave him a look. “Yeah, I did,” he said flatly. “You were essentially eye-fucking him the whole time he was here.” 

Bucky frowned. “I wasn’t,” he said and stood up properly, digging his jacket and bag out of the cabinet. “He’s so… gallant. He seems like a fucking soldier from the World War two era, Sam. He’s perfect and tall and buff and he was wearing Adidas running pants today, who does that when they’re not going running?” Bucky sighed. “He’s like, super out of my league, and also definitely straight, though, so. I’ll just swallow my tears and get myself off, I guess.”

Sam snorted at him as he also packed up his things. “I dunno man, the looks he was giving you earlier definitely read as ‘into dudes’, but you’ve been gay for longer than me,” he said, clapping Bucky on his back. Bucky didn’t even have the energy to make his retort of ‘we’ve both always been gay, I just came out before you’. 

“Maybe,” Bucky sighed. He pulled on his jacket and zipped it before grabbing his bag and helmet. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Sam waved, starting the quick series of closing tasks. “Don’t moon too much over Mr. Tall Blonde and Beefy, okay?” he said. It was a joke, but his voice had a tone of sincerity that Bucky recognized. 

“I’ll try not to, but different parts of me have different agendas, so,” Bucky said and shrugged, gesturing vaguely to his crotch. 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Gross. Go home, Buck,” he said. He was smiling now, which made Bucky feel better, so he waved as well and departed out the front door to walk around to his motorcycle. 

The wind on his arms felt nice and cleared his head of thoughts of him, one particular Captain Rogers. Steve, he knew now, after taking a brief glance at the man’s debit card. He felt weird looking at it, but he told himself that it was solely to find out this man’s name. That was allowed, right? He didn’t want to keep fantasizing about him if he didn’t know his name. That was weird. Somehow weirder than fantasizing about a customer in the first place. 

When Bucky got home, the first thing he did was take Soba out and play with her in the grass for a little while. She liked chasing balls, and he liked throwing them, so he did. After that, he went inside and turned on his TV while he cooked dinner. Some dumb reality show was playing when he switched it on, so he changed it to the news. At least this way he’d be learning. 

It was the local news, so it was mostly stories about local schools and how farming is doing, but then they switched to a story about nothing that seemed relevant to Bucky until he heard from his TV, clear as day, “Captain Steve Rogers”. Bucky dropped the spatula he was holding and spun around.

Sure enough, there was Mr. Tall Blonde and Beefy himself. He was wearing an Army uniform still but he seemed younger in the clip they were showing. 

“Project Rebirth wasn’t something I expected when I joined the Army, but it’s sure as hell helped,” Steve was saying with a big, easy smile on his face. “It’s made me stronger, braver, a better leader, the whole thing. I’m a new man, and I’m grateful for it.”

The news presenter who had been talking before they switched stories came back and did some sort of bullshit conclusion, but Bucky was already pulling out his phone and typing in ‘project rebirth’. According to Google, it was a government project to take soldiers that embody “American Values” best and turn them into super soldiers. That explains the… perfect, muscular man that Steve was. 

Bucky set his phone down and stirred his food, deep in thought. He had never even heard of this program, but good for Steve. Then, he got curious. He picked his phone back up and googled “steve rogers”. One of the first image results was a before and after shot of Steve when he went through Rebirth, and sure enough, he was a 5 foot nothing skinny kid from apparently Brooklyn. Bucky felt a smile growing on his face. Steve was so cute. 

Bucky set his phone down again then, determined not to keep googling this man. It was weird. He dumped the curry he was making onto the bowl of rice he had reheated from yesterday and grabbed a spoon. As soon as he was settled down on the couch, Soba was nosing at his leg and then jumping up onto the couch beside him. Bucky smiled and rubbed behind her ears while she plopped down next to him. 

“Good girl,” he said softly. He grabbed the remote and flipped through some channels while he ate. 

As soon as he was done, Bucky found himself yawning, and he set his dishes in the sink. Soba was already trotting into his room and jumping up onto Bucky’s bed, so he quickly changed into old flannel pajama pants and tugged off his grimy work shirt. He brushed his teeth quickly and slid into bed next to her, petting her back softly. 

“Night Soba,” he said softly. She made a quiet noise and snuffled against his thigh, and then fell asleep. Bucky smiled, turned his lamp off, and fell asleep quickly. 

\----

_“You gonna talk yet soldier?” the man said. Bucky didn’t know his name still, and he didn’t think he wanted to._

_Bucky didn’t respond. He stared at the concrete floor in front of him and tugged at the handcuffs that dug into his wrists behind him. His throat was so sore he didn’t know if he could even speak if he tried._

_“If you tell us their plans you’ll be released, you know that right?” the man said. He tried to smile at Bucky, but it felt like a wolf’s grimace. All teeth, no honesty. Bucky remained silent. He heard the thud of boots behind him and he knew what was coming, but he just closed his eyes and begged not to feel anymore._

_The knife was an unwelcome distraction from his thoughts._

\----

Bucky woke up screaming. Soba was whining next to him, nuzzling her wet nose into his neck, and he held onto her like a lifeline. He was panting and his chest was tight. He was covered in a cold sweat. 

Soba stayed with him until he had calmed down and the pictures stopped playing, the projections behind his tired eyelids shutting off and giving him rest. 

“Thank you,” he whispered into her scruff. “Thank you, Soba.” She was warm and unrelenting and didn’t move, just let her tail thud against Bucky’s blankets and touched his tired shoulder with her nose. 

Bucky didn’t fall back asleep. He spent the rest of the night writing in his notebook and playing his favorite record over and over, only letting the room be silent for long enough to flip it and replace the needle. He had work a few hours later, and even showering right before exhausted him. As soon as he was clean and dressed, he was taking Soba out again and then riding his bike to work. 

He stopped by the Starbucks next door and got as much caffeine as he knew could safely enter his body. Half of it was gone by the time he spoke his first word to Sam. 

“You look like shit, Buck,” Sam said. 

“Fuck off,” Bucky muttered. He took another huge sip of his coffee and tried to push back the anxiety. 

Sam frowned. He didn’t speak again until after Bucky had put all of his things in the cupboard. “What’s up with you, man?” he asked. The store was empty; they hadn’t unlocked the door yet. 

Bucky glanced at Sam and ran his fingers through his hair. He hadn’t pulled it back yet, but he had a hair band around his wrist, so he started doing a braid. “Didn’t get much sleep,” he said. Sam very obviously didn’t buy it. 

“Alright, just know, I got your back,” Sam said and pointed at himself, then Bucky. 

“I know. Thanks, Sam,” he replied, forcing a half smile that he knew wasn’t fooling anybody. “Time to open up?” he asked, and Sam nodded. “I’ll get the door.” Bucky walked over to the door, barely acknowledging anything happening around him, and quickly unlocked it. Yankee Candle was open for business.

Before Bucky had even made it back to the checkout counter, the door was dinging. He kept walking and didn’t turn around until Sam said, “Uh, Buck?”

When he turned around, there he was. Steve Rogers, super soldier, Very Hot Man. This time, he was wearing running pants and a sweaty grey t-shirt. Bucky felt his mind short circuit. His jaw was clenched so tight his head hurt. 

“Hey,” he said quietly. “You’re back.”

Steve was breathing kind of heavily, assumedly from running. “Yeah, I’m back. I, uh,” he said and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Bucky was enamoured. “I was in the neighborhood.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow. “You work on base, right?” he asked. Steve nodded. “And you live on base housing?” he added. Steve paused, and then nodded. “So there’s no way you were just… in the area,” Bucky said. He knew if this was a normal day he never would’ve talked to any customer like this, even Very Hot Man Rogers, but today was not a good Bucky day. 

Steve just ducked his head and smiled at Bucky. “You caught me,” he said. “I… Might’ve come by to see if you were working, see if I could get your number.”

Bucky frowned. “What? For what?” he said, not comprehending. Sam snorted behind him, but Bucky just stared at Steve. “You were on TV last night,” he said dumbly. 

Steve rolled his eyes. “For what, the super soldier thing? Yeah, they like milking that on local news. They did the procedure here and all that,” he said and picked at one of his hands with the other. “I meant, so we could… Get coffee, or something.” Steve seemed nervous. It finally made a little sense. 

“Like, a date?” Bucky managed, and Steve nodded. 

“Unless I read you, like, way wrong, then yes,” Steve said and gave him another little shy smile. 

Bucky glanced at Sam and then at Steve. He honestly felt vaguely like he was being punked. “Uh, I mean, yeah,” he said dumbly. “You really wanna go on a date? Like, really?” he asked again. He was frowning, he knew that. It was a bad day for mind blowingly good things to happen. 

“Yes, I do,” Steve said. “I really do.” He had this cute little smile on his lips that made Bucky’s heart get just a little bit lighter. 

“Okay, then,” he said. “I, uh, here,” Bucky managed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He unlocked it and opened up the contacts app. Steve stepped closer to him, close enough that Bucky could feel warmth and smell sweat emanating from him. 

Steve typed in his number quickly and as soon as Bucky had his phone back, he texted Steve, ‘it’s bucky’. Steve smiled. 

“I’ll, uh, text you?” he said. Bucky felt a smile trying to come up regardless of how shitty he felt. Steve was frustratingly charming. 

Bucky nodded and tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “Yeah, text me,” he said. Steve grinned and Bucky forgot for a split second all of the anxiety, paranoia, and exhaustion that was plaguing him. 

Steve tucked his phone back into a pocket in his pants and then tugged a small zipper across his thigh to secure his phone. “Talk to you then, Bucky,” he said and walked out of the store, a smile still on his face. 

Bucky watched him leave before tucking his phone back in his pocket. “What just happened?” he asked Sam. Sam started laughing behind him.

“You got a date with the single hottest man that I’ve ever seen, I’m pretty sure,” he said between laughs. Bucky walked back over to the check out counter and gave Sam the most incredulous look he could muster. 

“Today, of all days,” he managed and then sunk into the shitty chair that lived behind the counter. It was way too short to sit at while working, so he only got to sit there on breaks and when he was having existential meltdowns. 

Sam patted his shoulder as he sat and Bucky took a deep breath. He pulled the hair tie out of his hair and started rebraiding, this time doing a french braid that would stay better. 

“If you wanna talk about it, we probably won’t get anyone in for at least another twenty,” Sam said. Bucky didn’t even give him a reply, just stared at the floor until he started to feel the memories coming back. As soon as they did, he snapped his head up and stared at Sam. 

“Can Lorraine come in early?” he whispered. Sam seemed to take in his frankly awful appearance and take pity on him, as he nodded. 

He grabbed Bucky’s stuff out of the cupboard and handed it all to him. “Go get some rest, walk your dog, something. Go feel better, and know I’m always here,” he said quietly as somebody walked in the door. 

Bucky nodded and pulled his jacket on. “Thanks, Sam,” he said quietly and walked around the counter. “I owe you one.”

“Going on a date with that tall drink of somethin’ is all it’ll take for all to be forgiven,” Sam said with a smile, which made a similar smile tug at Bucky’s lips. 

“I will, when I’m not… pathetic,” Bucky managed and lifted a hand in farewell. Sam sighed and opened his mouth to speak, but Bucky was heading for the door and a customer was walking up to the counter. 

Bucky rode home as quickly as he could manage and as soon as he had the chance, he fell back into bed with Soba pressed against his back.

\--------

When Steve was back at he and Nat’s place, he knew he had the goofiest smile on his face but he couldn’t bring himself to care. She was in leggings and a sweatshirt curled up on the couch with Zhir when he got inside. 

She turned and looked at him when the door swung closed. “What’s got you in such a good mood?” she asked, “I thought you were just going for a run.”

Steve shrugged and went to their kitchen to grab a fresh water bottle. When he came back out into the living room he plopped down next to Nat. “I went by that strip mall we stopped at the other day,” he said. He was smiling and he knew Nat could read him like a book. 

“Oh, so you said hi to… What was her name, Sharon? At the Starbucks?” Nat said, wiggling her eyebrows. Steve chewed on his lip for a second. It wasn’t that he felt uncomfortable coming out to Nat, it was just that he had never found the chance, and any other time it had felt clunky. He still felt weighed down by Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, even though it had been gone for years. 

He took a slow sip out of his water bottle before shifting on the couch and glancing at the TV. Then, he finally found his voice. “No, actually,” he said easily. Nat frowned at him. “I, uh, I went by to see someone I met at the Yankee Candle when I stopped in,” he said. A smile found its way onto his face. 

Nat raised her eyebrows. “Oh? What’s her name?” she asked. She grabbed a chip out of a bag balanced between her thigh and a pillow and ate it. She seemed so casual, with her red hair up in a ponytail and her socks mismatched on crossed feet propped up on their ottoman. 

“Uh,” Steve started, and then wet his lips, and then, “His name is Bucky.”

Nat’s eyebrows twitched for just a second, and then she said, “You get his number? He better be cute for you to have run all the way there,” she said. Steve grinned and took another sip of water, letting out a breath he had been holding since probably 2009.

“Yeah, he’s pretty. He has dark hair and it’s long, he had it in a braid today,” Steve said. He couldn’t help the affection that soaked into his voice. “I, uh, we have chemistry, I think. He’s the one with the prosthetic I was asking about.”

Nat frowned and turned to him. “Hang on, he had a Stark prosthetic? Named Bucky… Any chance he’s one James Buchanan Barnes?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Steve frowned for a second, thinking, and then remembered the name tag. “Uh, his nametag said James, but it was crossed out and Bucky was written next to it?” he said, shrugging his shoulders slightly. “You know him?”

Nat started laughing. “Yeah, I know Barnes. He’s a good guy, snarky as all hell. You two will get along great,” she said. She was smiling outright now. “What a small world, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Steve said. He was rubbing the side of his water bottle to soak the paper label in condensation. “How d’you know him?” he asked. He didn’t want to seem eager, but at the same time, he desperately wanted to know more. 

Nat glanced at him and said, “He used to be in the army too; we were stationed together when he got his arm blown off.”

“Oh,” Steve said just about immediately. “I, uh, don’t need to know, his whole business,” he said and habitually rubbed the back of his neck. 

“He won the arm in a veterans only lottery that Stark did, that’s how he got it,” Nat said. “I won’t say anything else. You should text him, though.”

Steve chewed on his lip and then downed the rest of his water bottle in one huge sip. “Alright,” he said and pulled out his phone. He actually already had a text from Bucky. 

‘hey sorry i was an ass today, its like a 4/10 day for me but ill talk to you tomorrow when im doing better’

Steve hovered his fingers above the tiny keyboard on his phone’s screen for a second before tapping out a reply.

‘It’s no worries! I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, I still would love to get coffee or dinner sometime :)’ 

He set his phone down next to him. His heartbeat was still elevated, either from the act of sending the text or still from his run. 

He didn’t get a text back. 

\--------

Bucky woke up with a hell of a headache, but his trembling hands and deep paranoia were both gone and God, was he thankful for that. He took Soba out first and then microwaved a little leftover food for himself to keep his stomach quiet, as it was definitely around dinner time, or at least past lunch time. He spent his day eating and writing, and eventually he felt cooped up and took Soba out for a walk despite the cold. He wrapped a red scarf around his neck and pulled a knit beanie over his messy hair, gloves a comfort both for warmth and to conceal his hand. 

The walk was nice, and it cleared his head, but after about 20 minutes of walking Bucky realized something. 

Steve had given him his number today, and he had forgotten. Or was that a dream? No, it couldn’t have been. Bucky had left his phone in his apartment, so he quickly turned around and started leading Soba back towards their home. He stomped off the wet that had gathered on his boots onto the rubber mats that were set up right inside the door and then hurried upstairs. 

His phone was charging next to his bed, so he grabbed it and scanned the screen. He had a text from Sam that he replied to quickly and then… a text from Steve. 

He smiled as he read it despite himself and quickly tapped out a reply. 

‘if you’re not busy tonight, i’m free’ he sent, and then threw his phone down onto his mattress and paced the length of his open floor plan apartment once. As he was starting his second lap, his phone dinged. 

‘That sounds nice! I can pick you up at 6 or so, take you out? I know a good Thai place’ was Steve’s response. Bucky ran his fingers through what hair had fallen loose and looked at the screen. 

‘yeah, sure’ he sent first, and then thought that may be too cynical sounding, so he sent his address alongside a smiley face emoji. He felt anxious, but normal anxious, so he went into his bathroom and dumped a pill out of a bottle and swallowed it. He had been on prescription anxiety meds for years, but he hated taking them. He hated needing them. 

He checked the time and it was just past five already, so he went to his dresser and started digging around for some clean and niceish clothes. He pulled out a pair of jeans that Lorraine told him made his ass look good and a plain button up in a dark, steely blue. Apparently it made his eyes pop. Bucky’s usual coat was just a black bomber jacket he had stripped uniform patches off of to make it seem more civilian, so he grabbed that and checked the time again. He still had a good half hour, of course he did. 

Bucky turned on his laptop and scrolled through Facebook for a little bit, checking in on some of his old army friends he didn’t stay in contact with anymore. Natalia had posted another cryptic, undated picture of her cat with no location. Classic Natalia. Always being sneaky. 

His phone dinged at 5:58. ‘I’m outside! The blue car is me’. Bucky smiled and glanced at himself in the mirror again. His hair was pulled back halfway and the rest was hanging loose. He looked good. Bucky pet Soba one more time and left the apartment. 

Steve’s car was parked right outside and Bucky felt a surge of affection as he realized that there was no reason that Steve needed to put the color of his car; it was the only one parked out front instead of in the garage out back. 

Bucky tugged the door of the car open and slid into the passenger seat, adopting an easy demeanor as soon as he looked over at Steve. He was wearing a red flannel shirt over a t-shirt that was definitely too small for him and jeans. 

“Hey,” Steve said, and Bucky gave him a little crooked smile.

“Howdy,” he said back and buckled his seatbelt. “Where we heading?” he asked. 

Steve glanced at him with narrowed eyes and a wide smile. “You’ll see,” he said simply, surprising Bucky. 

“More adventurous than I would’ve pegged you for, huh,” Bucky said as Steve pulled out of the parking spot. Steve just smiled and started driving. There was music playing, and the idea of listening to anything besides his old records and Christmas music made Bucky happy. He hummed along to a song that played and Steve turned it up slightly. 

The drive to the restaurant was quick, and as they were getting out of Steve’s car, Steve said, “I’m so sick of Christmas music.” The store next to the place they were at was playing Christmas music out of speakers in the parking lot. 

“Me too,” Bucky sighed. “It’s all they play in the store.”

Steve led Bucky inside and told the greeter that there were two of them. Bucky looked around, trying to gauge the place, but it wasn’t very ornately decorated. They were led to a table in the back of the room and Bucky slid into the chair facing the windows and the exit. The only thing behind him was a big plant and one of the kitchen doors, which he didn’t love, but this was the better option. 

Steve slid in across from him, oblivious to Bucky’s internal debate, and picked up a menu. “How was the rest of your day?” he asked Bucky over the plastic-covered trifold. 

“Uh, fine, I guess. I walked my dog,” Bucky said lamely. To be fair, that was the most exciting thing he did, but it sure did sound boring. 

Steve seemed to light up at that, though. “You have a dog? Tell me about them,” he smiled and flicked his eyes between Bucky’s and the menu. 

“Well, she’s a golden, her name is Cобака, but I just call her Soba,” he said and then looked down at his menu as well. “She’s, uh, a service dog.” Might as well get it out of the way now. 

“What does her name mean? Is that Russian?” Steve asked, tilting his head. 

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, it is. I spent some time in Russia when I was active duty. It, uh, just means dog,” he said, smiling slightly. Steve grinned and laughed, and it seemed like the most perfect possible laugh. It was contagious, and Bucky found himself widely smiling too. 

“Dog the dog, I love her already,” Steve said and met Bucky’s eyes. Bucky bit his lip, suddenly self conscious, and tucked a strand of hair away with his right hand. 

“She’s good for me,” Bucky nodded and looked back at the menu. “What do you recommend here?” he asked, trying to change the subject before it swirled back around to why he would have a service dog anyways. 

Steve leaned across the table to point at a section on the menu and Bucky’s mind went completely blank. His entire mind was filled with their knees nudging each other under the table and Steve’s breath, minty fresh, right in his space. Steve leaned back far too soon and Bucky looked down at the menu to try to figure out what Steve had pointed at while he had been being ridiculously attractive and making Bucky swoon. 

“Thanks,” he managed weakly. Steve smiled at him- no, that was a smirk. Steve smirked at him, and Bucky was glad he was sitting down because his knees would’ve given out. 

“Don’t mention it,” Steve said. “Oh, apparently you know my roommate,” he added casually. Bucky frowned. He did know quite a few folks still in the Army, buy what was the likelihood of knowing Steve’s roommate? Very unlikely, he guessed. 

“Oh, who’s that?” he asked. Their waiter walked back over before Steve could respond, so Bucky quickly decided on something that sounded good enough in the general area Steve had pointed to. 

Steve ordered something different and a water, which made Bucky smile a little. He knew that was a dumb reason to be so enamoured, but everything Steve did seemed to be charming. 

As soon as the waiter was gone, Steve turned back to Bucky and made searing eye contact again. “Natasha Romanoff,” he said, and Bucky started laughing. Steve frowned, but Bucky needed a second to compose himself before explaining. 

“Natalia was stationed with me in Russia, she knows me probably better than anyone,” Bucky said with a fond smile. “I didn’t know she was stationed here now, she’s always so mysterious on social media.”

Steve nodded, his eyebrows raised high for a moment. “You’re telling me. I don’t even know what she does for work here and she disappears every once in a while to go on some top secret mission, or whatever,” he said, rolling his eyes. “She’s a good roommate, though.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Bucky said, taking the glass of soda that the waiter had just silently set down beside him and lifting it up. Steve took up his water and clinked their glasses together before taking a drink. When he set his glass down, his lips were pinker and wetter than before, and Bucky had a hard time tearing his eyes away from them. 

Steve didn’t seem to mind, as his soft pink tongue poked out from between them and then disappeared back into his mouth. Bucky felt his mouth opening and words coming out before he even registered the thought. 

“Do you want to come back to mine after we eat?” he blurted out, and Steve’s pink lips stretched into a wide, knowing smile. 

He took another sip of water, cruelly letting Bucky stew in his impulsiveness, and then answered, “Yeah, I do.”

Bucky exhaled and bit down on his lip. “Okay,” he said.

“I don’t typically put out on the first date,” Steve said quietly and tilted his head, “But I’ve been thinking about you for a week.”

Bucky’s next breath was a sharp inhale as he looked deeper into Steve’s darkened blue eyes. Their knees knocked together and Bucky took another open mouthed breath. “I, uh,” he managed, “Me too. Me too.” 

Steve’s smile grew. 

Bucky’s did too. This date was going better than he had expected.

\--------

When Steve woke up to his alarm on Monday, he groaned and hit snooze for the first time in months. 

Normally he got up without issue, showered, made coffee, and went to work. Today, however, he had a warm body pressed against his chest and fingers linked with his own. 

Bucky’s hair was loose and messy and also tickling Steve’s nose, so when he threw his arm across the bed to grab at his phone, he shifted his face to avoid being suffocated. Bucky was awake too; Steve had felt the difference in his breathing pattern immediately. 

“G’morning,” Steve whispered into Bucky’s neck after he brushed his dark hair away. 

Bucky mumbled a response and shifted as Soba bounded over and pressed her nose into Bucky’s face. Steve chuckled and reached over Bucky to pet her soft head. 

“Do you want me to take her out?” Steve asked and nosed at Bucky’s shoulder. 

“Only if you kiss me first,” Bucky managed and shifted so he could look at Steve better. Steve felt a wide smile grow across his tired face and leaned down to kiss Bucky. It wasn’t their first kiss; it wasn’t even close after the night before. It felt just as good, though. 

Good enough, even, that Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s middle and pulled him flush against his chest again. 

“Just a sec,” he said softly and nuzzled into Steve’s neck. “Don’t go yet.”

Soba whined from where she sat next to Bucky. 

“Okay, okay,” Bucky said against Steve’s skin. Steve pulled away and kissed him again. 

“Mind if I borrow some sweats or something?” he asked. Bucky gestured vaguely to his dresser.

“Bottom drawer,” he said, “‘N shirts are top left.” Bucky whined softly as Steve pulled away, but just curled back into the blankets on his bed and watched Steve pull Bucky’s clothes on. They were a little tight, but Steve tended to wear tighter clothes anyways, so he didn’t mind. 

He also was well aware that Bucky was watching him, so when he moved to pull up the sweatpants, he bent over facing directly away from him.

“Punk,” Bucky muttered into the pillow. Steve laughed and tugged the shirt on. 

“I’ll be back, Buck,” he said and grabbed Soba’s leash from where it was hanging next to the door. 

“Just go out back once you’re downstairs,” Bucky said as a goodbye. 

Steve smiled and looked at the sleepy man, mostly soft, tan skin and too many blankets. He thought that he could maybe get used to this.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!
> 
> im thinking about writing two more fics in this universe because i have two more ideas but i dont know when that'll be because im in the process of moving right now!! stay tuned & let me know if you have any ideas for this verse also


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